If I Had More Time
by A.Clips
Summary: One shot - Jem takes a turn for the worst, but he's not alone. R&R please!


**DISCLAIMER** ~ I don't own anything Infernal Devices wise. That's all on Cassie Claire who you should totally bow to and surrender to her brilliance ;)

**NOTES ~** so I know I've let all you down by poofing off the safe of the earth but life's been nuts. Still I felt the desire to write again and forced myself to make extra time. I know I should be continuing my other fanfics and I plan on it, but for now a brief interlude from those to focus on a quick, small one shot I felt like writing. I felt awful for writing this, try not to hate me for it..and I may follow up with a further one shot from Will or something or the sort, we shall see. It's a bit of jem and tessa for all you team jem! Anyway, hope you enjoy and as always lovelies, R&R please?

* * *

"Tessa...?" She frowned slightly, stirring only slightly from her slumber as a familiar voice attempted to rouse her. They seemed urgent, the way in which a warm hand touched her arm, grasping it tight, despite the bed sheets tangled around her and trying to shake her awake. She made a small noise, a protest, wishing to remain asleep but apparently something was the matter, and it was too important to ignore. She contemplated opening her mouth to express her desire that they leave her be, tempted to roll onto her side away from the hand gripping her arm and sink back into sleep once more, however the urgency that somebody was expressing finally began to alert her to some sort of danger. She stirred further as the ever familiar voice reached her ears once more with worrying words. "Tessa it's Jem... there's no time."

Tessa's eyes flickered open, staring straight into the ice blue of William Herondale's, her heart immediately began to pound – not simply just in that way her heart always seemed to contract whenever she caught his gaze, but out of sudden fear too. Something was wrong, that much was clear within the very manner of which Will was looking at her. His eyes, usually so impenetrable, so well guarded from revealing those many secrets he kept buried in the deepest recesses of his brilliant mind, were wide and no matter how he might try to hide it – fearful. For Will to be fearful, something dreadful must have happened, and Tessa's breathing quickened in her own fright as she shoved her bed covers away from herself and made to stand. Now that she had awoken, Will relinquished his hold upon her and aided her in getting up; there was no time to be proper about this, nor gentle. He didn't know what else to do but fetch Tessa. Somehow he felt she was the last hope, the only thing that could save Jem now... he had to try.

"What about Jem?" Tessa - finally able to find her voice - could not help herself but ask. Will's lack of explanation and own worry had incited within her a fear she had never felt before. It was worse than anything she'd ever experienced; more so than each time she'd worried for her own life. She couldn't explain it, but it ran deeper than any other terror. This was Jem they were talking about, and if something was happening to him... god forbid. The thought could not cross her mind, she forbade it for it was too much to handle. Her eyes searched Will's face as his expression hardened, wishing for once that he would not be so full of riddles. "Will tell me! What is wrong with Jem?" Her voice rose, fear evident as she stared hard at Will, ignoring the way he took a firm hold of her forearm once more and hauled her down the corridor. At his refusal to answer her she dug her heels in, pulling at his hold until she finally achieved his full attention. "Will!" She exclaimed in imploring exasperation.

"He's dying! Okay Tessa? He's bloody well dying and I don't know how else to save him!" The words shattered around her like glass and her knees weakened, staggering a step sideways until her right shoulder hit the wall, needing the support of something solid if only for a brief moment. "No..." The word was a broken whisper, her entire being screamed despair from the silent tears she hadn't realised streaming down her pale cheeks, to the way in which her voice cracked on the word and her shoulders slumped. "He...h-he can't..." Her gaze flickered to Will's face. "Oh tell me this is a joke Will, a cruel cruel joke.. but untrue all the same!" She begged, and for a minute she imagined the possibility that he was doing this to humiliate her, to satisfy his often harsh sense of humour...but in reality she knew he would never twist something like this for his own amusement, it would be sickening. He did not say anything, he knew there was no need. God she wished it wasn't true, but even she was not naive enough to believe this was simply a nightmare or a lie, no matter how hard she might wish for it to be as such.

Will stepped forward, his fingers curled around her bare upper arms, attempting to ignore the way her skin felt against his own. He could not think about such things now, his thoughts were for his best friend... his _Parabatai_. "Tessa..." He shook her, none to gently, in an effort to regain her attention as she stared unseeing down the corridor behind him. "Tessa!" It was his turn to yell at her, the desperation in his voice so evident that it snapped her focus back onto him. "You have to listen to me. He needs you. You can't abandon him, not now... he needs _you_... more than he needs me. You..." Will paused and took in a shuddering breath, his gaze clear as he caught her stormy grey eyes. "you have to save him.." he finished quietly, almost saddened to say it, expression wary as if he thought she might lash out at him for saying it. Instead he was met with incredibility.

"Me? Save him? How on Earth am I supposed to do that?!" Will shook his head slightly and released her from his hold once more, taking a step back, his gaze imploring. She knew... he knew that she did, that he was desperate, that he didn't know what else to do, but he could hope that she might have some magical effect upon Jem, that maybe somehow Jem's affection for Tessa might be enough. It struck him deep to know that he could do nothing, to watch his best friend...a man he considered his equal – his brother – to suffer and die in such a way and not be able to do a damn thing. It would make him angry if he wasn't so afraid. He couldn't lose Jem. Not ever but especially not now. He just couldn't. Will swallowed hastily and looked away from the dark haired beauty before him, shaking his head once more he turned and headed down the corridor, continuing on to Jem's room, knowing that she was just behind him, having known that she would follow. He didn't knock as he reached his _Parabatai_'s door but merely opened it. Jem had just drifted to sleep when he'd left him and he hardly expected him to awaken just yet. He opened the door softly, his footsteps soft so as not to disturb the figure sleeping fitfully upon the bed in the centre of the room. His breathing was ragged, the rise and fall of chest shallow and uneven, each painstaking breath caused Will to shudder internally.

He momentarily forgot Tessa as he stared down upon his best friend, however she equally appeared to forget him as she hesitated in the doorway for a short second before her heart wrenched and she rushed for Jem's bedside, taking up residence in the chair still warm from Will, and reached out to take one of his cool hands within her own. "Oh Jem..." She whispered, her voice filled with despair, with fear for him as she gazed upon him. His cheeks were hollow, dark circles adored his eyes and a light sweat had broken out upon his forehead. His lips were stark red in comparison to the ghost of his face, and a trace of scarlet left behind on the corner of his lower lip was the only indication that he'd recently been ill and Will had clearly taken care of him. She could not quite contain herself from reaching out with one hand to wipe at the blood Will had missed, not caring for the scarlet liquid at that moment as her fingertips touched at the corner of his mouth, feeling the faint warmth of his breath before she withdrew her hand one more.

"What happened?" She whispered, barely wishing to make more noise lest she wake him. Jem needed to rest, he needed to get his strength back... that was all. She had to keep telling herself that, that if he rested he would get better – he could recover from this, he had to. It was selfish perhaps but Tessa wasn't ready to lose him yet. Then again when was anybody ever ready to lose somebody truly and she knew that even decades on into their lives she would still never wish to let go of Jem. Her gaze did not rise from Jem's soft features, tracing over them with her kind eyes, learning them as she had done many times, but only now did she truly appreciate his beauty – now that the threat of losing him had become so tangible. She felt rather than heard Will move closer, his presence prominent as he paused at the edge of the bed, noticeably leaving space between himself and the dark haired beauty residing in the only chair available.

Will seemed agitated, a tense hand raking through the curling dark locks on his head as he looked down upon his friend as some guardian angel. "Does it matter? He's dying Tessa, and nothing I can say will do a damned thing for him." His voice was sharp; angered but for once she did not rise to the bait. This was not about Will, she would not give him the satisfaction of her temper this night. What good would it do Jem? None. Though Will happened to be filled with riddles and contradictions for once she understood his rage. He was so used to doing something, to having a tangible threat that he could attack and contain, to being able to throw blades and shout expletives and throw himself into a bloody battle where he'll come out victorious with a huge grin upon his face and war wounds to illustrate his bravery, now however he could do no such thing. The illness killing Jem was not something to be physically fought by anyone other than James himself, there was nothing neither Will nor Tessa could do but hold his hands, watch and pray that he might make it through.

"Thank you for your optimism, William." The voice spoken was not Will's, nor Tessa's. It appeared some time during their brief exchange the pale boy had stirred. His voice was weak, as frail as his body. When his eyelids flickered open, Tessa saw the pain within them, his internal struggle, and her heart stuttered to see him so. She was unable to help herself from making a small exclamation when Jem spoke and one hand flew to her mouth in surprise, the other gripping his hand slightly tighter – not too much so in fear of harming him. Tears welled within her eyes once more, droplets, diamond in shape, fled her cheeks to join those that had already been wept. "Don't cry, Tessa..." Jem's lips gave a slight quiver of movement, quirking at the corners in an attempt to smile. It did not reach his eyes, however gentle the tired gaze was and Tessa was no more reassured.

"We'll find you a cure, Jem...we'll find more drug...we'll-" desperation arose in Tessa like she'd never felt, the tears flowed readily now and she made no movement to wipe them away. Will stepped forward then and grasped her upper arm tightly, the sudden grip causing her to jump in surprise and finally tear her gaze from Jem to look up at him. The expression on her face...Will had never seen such blazing fear and sorrow and it shock him. For one selfish moment he wondered if, were it him there not Jem, she would even feel the slightest bit the same as she was feeling for his _Parabatai_.

"Don't." He warned her, his tone tight, all emotion held in check. "Don't say things you can't promise, Tess." The slightest break to his words, that faint catch she caught in his throat was the only thing to silence her; she turned her face away, back to Jem.

"He's r-right..." Jem managed to squeeze her hand faintly, his grip was weak, almost slack and it scared her so. He was worsening right before her eyes and her helplessness was overwhelming. The drugs had been diminishing over the months, and Tessa knew Will had gone to greater and greater lengths in order to find even the slightest amount. She had prayed they would find a cure, and they had tried, they had exhausted every resource they had in order to attempt to find him something that might sustain him but to no avail. In all honesty, it had become only a matter of time, but even so Tessa had still hoped he would survive without. Jem had been rationing for weeks and just the morning before he had seemed so healthy, so happy. He'd accompanied her on a walk toward the Thames just as the sun had begun to rise. He had not been so heavy upon his cane as sometimes he had in the past; his eyes had been so alight, the colour of moonlight, but now? How could he deteriorate so badly in such short a time? It was terrifying, it truly was. What made it worse was Jem's acceptance. "We all knew this time would come, do not fight it."

"It should not have come at all!" Tessa exclaimed, biting down upon her lower lip at her outburst and shaking her head. It should not have been this way. James was a good man – a great man and an incredible Shadowhunter. He deserved life! He deserved to marry somebody he loved, to have children, to grow old... this was not how it was supposed to go. "I don't want you to...to ...to d-" The word would not pass her lips, she choked upon it's poison and she lifted his hand that were clasped in hers in order to press her lips to the back of his hand instead. "My Jem.." She murmured before she could restrain herself, all but having forgotten Will. It was a good thing, for had she looked at him then she might have seen the selfish despair upon his face. Tessa however, was only rewarded with a flicker of light within Jem's gaunt face.

He was struggling now, his exhaustion at continuing this conversation with the two was clear, and she knew all too soon she would have to let him slip from her once more – be it sleep or something far more final she didn't know. "My Tessa..?" His voice was barely audible now and she swallowed to hear him so weak, leaning forward carefully, her soft lips touching his forehead with a tenderness Will wished he could experience one day. He felt he was intruding upon something private, but he couldn't force himself to leave. This was his _Parabatai_, he could not leave him now, even if there was nothing Will could do to save him. He had failed his best friend, but he would not abandon him.

"Your Tessa." Tessa confirmed Jem's question with a gentle smile, one that made her lips quiver as tears threatened once more. Her thumb brushed the back of his knuckles in a comforting manner. She felt her heart give out a faint thud to see that slight flicker of happiness upon Jem's face. How he could be so brave, how he could find solace in two words when she felt they were nothing special at all she did not know, but she admired him for it.

"You'll both s-stay?" He had to ask, though there was no real need. Will moved forward to stand opposite Tessa, though there was no chair on this side he knelt instead. His expression was sombre, the dull light of the room spun shadows across his face, casting him in half darkness. attributing him to his expression. Jem turned his head toward his _Parabatai_, his eyelids fighting him to close. Will nodded tersely, not trusting himself to speak. "You should ...not have ...chosen me, Will..." His voice rasped, his breathing laboured and Will shook his head fiercely, ready to argue against him for saying such a thing. Jem however summoned the strength to raise on hand ever so slightly, requesting that he not contradict him. "but I am glad you d-did..." Will looked at him, long and hard, blue into silver.

"Brother." Was all he could manage, the word gruff, forced from a throat swollen with tears he would not shed in public. Jem understood, they had come to learn over the years that words were not always need to converse, but rather just a look could communicate so much more. His face turned now to Tessa, who squeezed his hand with gentle reassurance.

"I wish..I had...more time..." His face appeared pained, knowing that he had less time than other men, like Will, should have made him braver and yet it did not. No woman like Tessa would love a man like him, so he had believed – and to ask her to would be unfair. He had always known he would never have a long life since the illness became apparent, he would not drag her down with him. Even so, it was still a painful experience to know there are things he had wanted for a while now, that he could not have. "But at least...I was ...lucky...enough to...know such ...a beautiful a-angel." It would not be long now, he could not hold out for much longer, and finally his eyelids began to win out, slowly the shutters closing upon his beautiful silver gaze. "My ..T-Tessa..."

It was hours later, almost into the dawning of the weak September sun that Will could finally force himself away, unable to stand the ice cold of the dark room any longer, nor Tessa's weeping form. He could not comfort her, he could not comfort himself. He was one half without his other. The little boy lost. William Herondale pulled a hat down upon his forehead, casting his face in deep shadow as he headed for the exit, unable to look back, unable to stop as he passed the gates of the institute and left the room far, far behind him... the room where James Cartsairs, his brother, his _Parabatai_, was no more...


End file.
